Coffee, Theology, and Jesus

working out our messy faith over coffee

From Prince to King – Hey Men, See The Broken World? I Blame Us

Unlike the previous post, I offer no disclaimers. Actually I take that back.  Many of the same disclaimers apply.  I’m generalizing, I can only fit so much in to a single blog post.  Take it with a grain of salt, and of course feel free to give me your opinion in the comments.

As a man I feel much more comfortable speaking about this subject then I did yesterday when I wrote “From Princess to Queen”.   This post is aimed directly to you men (myself included, I picture saying this to myself in the mirror) and I make no apologies for what I have to say to you.

Look around the world.  War, crime, poverty, violence, fatherless children.  I blame you for the majority of it all.  No matter what culture wants to say, no matter how much the feminist movement wants to misrepresent the idea of gender equality, the bottom line is that men are foundation builders for the world.  It’s just the nature that we have.  We build foundations, and we set the tone for the culture around us.  It’s not mostly women in the porn industry.  It’s men. (You might say the number of women is growing to which I say, men were there first, women followed after we men convinced them pornography is normal).  It’s not women who are making decisions to go to war, it’s men (mainly).  It’s not women who are beating their husbands, it’s men who are beating their wives because they can’t show restraint.  I could go on and on and on and on, but I won’t because I think you get what I’m saying.  Men, I blame us for most of our major issues today.

Somewhere along the line we started to believe some crazy things about what a man is.  We traded love for lust, we traded restraint for anger, we traded integrity for doing whatever it takes to get our way, and we traded responsibility for a false sense of freedom .  It’s a shame and it’s destroying the fabric of the world.

We have princes who never became kings.  Little boys in a man’s body who only want what they want, when they want it.  It makes sense that we come out this way when we live in the culture we do.  Between the hyper-sexualized culture (More like fake sexuality) and the entertainment we take in.  It’s no wonder why we are running around like a bunch of chickens with our heads cut off.  We see false sexuality all the time, we see heroes in movies that are scripted.  It’s not that these things (and things like it are completely false), they have just enough truth to resonate with us.  These things strike chords that are real, they are just misplaced.

When we return to God, when we come back to the one who is the author of beauty, romance, adventure, integrity, honor, and all things good, we are able to put masculinity in its proper place and operate out of that.  The more time we spend with our creator getting to know Him both through His Word and His Holy Spirit, we understand that being a man is a much different life than the one our culture shows us.  Instead of viewing women as objects of physical pleasure, we view them as individuals with desires who deserve to be loved and protected.  Our view of sex changes from dirty to clean.  Integrity becomes a key part of who we strive to be.  Our priority’s change from career and money, to family and community.  We measure our worth not by what we do, but by who God already says we are.  We begin to walk in the full understanding of how important it is that we be hope to a dying world, one that fights for what is good, that protects the innocent, and cares for the orphan and widow.

Are we perfect? Of course not.  We’ve all bitten in to the apple of culture and what it says we should be.  We quickly begin to realize however, that no matter how good that apple looked, it’s rotten inside full.  I can speak personally and say that I have fallen often to the cultures lies about who a man is.  I’ve been selfish, I’ve put myself ahead of others, and the consequences every time are always devastating.

The change starts with you, with us.  Impact your family, impact your local community.  Not all of us are called to be in the public eye, to be seen and heard by millions, and that’s ok.  Be the unseen hero to many, but the seen hero to a few.  We must man up in the truest sense of the word.  Putting others before ourselves, putting their needs before ours, and being the front lines of defense.

Men have immense power, and when it’s used for good the world around us changes for good, when it’s abused, the world around us becomes a nightmare for those around us.   May we walk with our creator and let him be the author of who we are, and what we’re meant to do.

Femininity: A Glimpse into the Living Nature of Beauty (Part 1) – Mary Barba

Welcome to a part one of a two part series dealing with masculinity and femininity.  This post was written by my dear friend Mary Barba, and she hit it out of the park.  Enjoy! – Tim Whitaker.

The air was buzzing with sound waves and our friends were all hysterically laughing. A large group of my friends and I were on a winter retreat and one of the weekend’s sessions had just ended. We all enjoyed each others cheerfulness and exuberance while talking, playing games, and relaxing in each other’s presence. While everyone was involved in their own thing, a good friend of mine caught me floating between various groups of people and said, out of the blue, “Oh hey Mary, how are you doing with that thing you told me about at Starbuck’s a little while ago?” I was thrown off, but nonetheless happy, that someone had remembered and cared about a short conversation from a month prior. I began to explain what had happened in the past month with the two situations I had mentioned, being open enough to show I was not fake and cold-shouldered, but not vulnerable enough to express what was actually in my heart.

Originally, I thought this would be just another casual discourse I could easily glide through. Because, let’s get real, as a woman fending for her heart in a world gladly willing to pummel women with rejection (sadly–Christians and non Christians alike at times), I have become skilled in sharing about my heart, but not actually opening it. As the conversation progressed, he, without knowing it, prodded into what I was going through to a depth I am not usually secure going to with men because of wounds from my childhood. He showed me over the next half hour with body language and eye contact that he was not afraid of me, but was there to help. He probed, listened, and gave two pieces of advice, and then… I completely broke down. Water was gushing out of my eyes, and my whole frame shook… literally. I know it seems sudden, it was, but I couldn’t even help myself. The advice, I believe, was God-inspired and spoke to my insecurities with reassurance that I should be me and no one else, that I should not be afraid of releasing who I truly am, that my family and friends want the real Mary Barba, that I am not too much, nor too little. I had nothing to say in response. He prayed for me, and as he did, he began to cry for me. He could barely speak. We both sobbed as he fought and prayed for me.

I went back to the room I was staying in that evening, locked myself in the bathroom for about an hour, and just cried my heart out to God. I was in shock and felt exposed before God. But, yet again in my life, I realized, with God present, the depth of how lonely I truly felt, even though I was on a weekend retreat with most of the people I dearly cherish in life.

I have realized that that conversation has nothing to do with who I was talking to that evening. In fact, when I think back to that evening, I only really think of how God and I connected that evening and how much he showed me he knew my heart and had been listening to me. I was nonetheless frightened at how quickly the Lord was able to touch a tender part of my heart that evening. The roots of why I could not contain myself after I had gotten that advice have made themselves evident:

Woman are wired with an unending hunger to be beautiful, positively impact others with beauty, and relate deeply with others.

I know, this is nothing new. I’m sure if you’re reading this post right now, you’ve been around long enough to realize the generationally consistent desire that women have to be and do what I just wrote above. I’ve realized this, too; however, I’ve recently read the book Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge, which is for women and about women. Below is a vital passage from the book that has made this truth about women hit home:

Think about it: God created you as a woman. ‘God created man in his own image…male and female he created them’ (Gen. 1:27). Whatever it means to bear God’s image, you do so as a woman. Female. That’s how and where you bear his image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities–as a reflection of God’s own heart. You are a woman to your soul, to the very core of your being. And so the journey to discover what God meant when he crated woman in his image–when he created you as his woman–that journey begins with desire. The desires that God has placed into our hearts are clues as to who we really are and the role that we are meant to play. Many of us have come to despise our desires or at least try to bury them. They have become a source of pain or shame. We are embarrassed of them. But we don’t need to be. The desires of our heart bear a great glory because… they are precisely where we bear the image of God. We long for certain things because he does!” (8)

I’ve been questioning what about my feminine heart reflects God’s image as told in Genesis 1:27. After much questioning, researching, and pondering, I came to Revelations 4 and 5 <> (This is the part where you go read those two chapters and then continue reading!).

God, even in light of all his immeasurably fierce brawn and B.A.-ness (see Psalm 18 <>), is absolutely, drop dead gorgeous. God has the appearance of jasper and carnelian (Jasper <> & Carnelian <>). A rainbow resembling emerald circumvallates his throne. Now, I don’t know what exactly that would look like, but all I know is that rainbows, emeralds, and thrones are all pretty amazing! God created elders clothed in pure white (not rags), adorned with golden crowns, to worship him. He also created unique and captivating creatures to worship him (see Rev. 4:6-8). They weren’t mundane little nothings, atypical of God’s creative nature. God is entrancing; he surrounds himself with such unmatchable beauty that John, the writer of Revelations, had to use similes to say what God is like… nothing can quite describe him! Prior to reading Captivating, I looked at this desire to be beautiful, entrancing, and undeniably inviting as something which originates in the minds and hearts of women themselves. Clearly I was wrong. Women desire to be beautiful, dress and adorn themselves with beautiful attire and/or objects, and, most importantly, express the essence of undiluted beauty, because God himself does. We reflect his desire to be beautiful and radiate beauty, not the other way around.

As we all know, this world many times offers beauty that is empty. Men: Instead of the appearance of beauty offering you the fullness of what it promises–rest, empathy, and empowerment, you are many times given a mere, unsubstantial appearance of it and not much more. That must be really hard for you to decipher between what is real and what is fake in regards to women. Women, instead of beauty that attracts all of those around you like a magnet, giving them hope for a better tomorrow and being an authentic and uncontaminated source of bliss, joy, and life, we strive to take the appearance of beauty in light of what we think others are looking for, because we feel like this “true beauty” could “certainly not be found in me,” leaving us feeling ashamedly alone, “maybe” pretty looking at imes, but “surely” not enough to be needed and hungered for by others (ohhhh how I know this feeling…).

What blows me away, though, is that God’s beauty is not just in appearance, but in a presence that immediately puts one’s mind and heart to rest. The beauty itself is a radically compassionate and soothing power. We must unbrainwash our brains. “Beauty” nowadays is so hard to find because we see the appearance of beauty, hoping that it has to offer what it should, but often returns void. God created women with a body fully unique from all other life forms that we know of thus far as a sign of the almost indescribable, inner expression of the intoxicating beauty that we have. I remember at one point while reading Captivating, I thought that maybe I had been the one “mutant” God had missed while busy creating everything else… that I somehow did not reflect that “beauty” he somehow instilled in women, because, common… it’s me. But then it hit me: I can not escape the fact that I was made in God’s image. I am not here to explain to you why I am convinced God is real (do feel free to ask me though), but I say what I say here based on the fact that I know that God is real: I can not erase nor alter the image of God reflected in me. I did make myself this way; he did. So, I AM a life-giving, life-altering, beauty no matter what anyone says of me.. INCLUDING MYSELF. Even as I type this, I find my mind being like, “What? Mary you don’t really believe that.” But what I’ve found is that sometimes I don’t feel like truth is truth, even when it is. Sometimes, I emotionally fall for the trick that “old truth, is not truth at all.” SO FALSE! Rationale and emotions don’t always mix how I would like them to. But the fact still stands, regardless of how I feel and act– We are beautiful and captivating, Ladies; it’s inevitable.


Women: When the desire to be unmatchably beautiful and deeply loved while also giving love seems overpowering and almost disabling (trust me, I know WELL how that is), remember that these desires were given to you; they are not inherently your own. So, feel free to talk to God about them openly; he’ll help you understand the desires more! Question him on it, thank him for what he’s done thus far, hold him to what he says. He’s not afraid of you :).

Men: When you see women who’s desires to be beautiful, to relate, and to be inspiring are coming out through their emotions (or even are being “emotional” to any extent), offer your incredible and awe-inspiring strength to them by being compassionate towards them, offering a hand either directly or indirectly, knowing these desires they have are from God. As fascinating and wonderful as these desires are, they can be immensely difficult to grapple. The emotions of God that he has shared with women can be so strong that they can feel crippling at times. You are being compassionate towards God when you do so, because he loves women.

A Call To Men

We all see it.  We all know it.  How 99% of men view women, and treat them.  I was there myself, so I definitely know what goes through guy’s heads in regards to women.  Too many times I hear guys say that girls have no respect for themselves, sleep around, cheat, and are too emotionally involved.  These are the men I see that just want to “hook up” with girls,  Add another notch on their belt.  They brag to their friends that they slept with her and move on to the next hot thing that comes their way.  These are the same guys I hear cry about not being able to find “wife” material.  Funny conundrum isn’t it?

Now I’m not here to sit on a high horse and bash guys as If I’m better.  I’m not at all.  The only difference is the grace God has shown me and what He taught me about treating his daughters.  From the beginning God had a plan of how man and woman should live together.  Sadly this vision has been perverted to the extreme.  Most men see women as an object for their enjoyment and nothing more.  This is why we have millions of men that are slaves to pornography.  Any night they choose they can have that “one” for the night and objectify these girls for their desires.  You may say, “Kyle, porn is common with men, God can’t expect us to be pure in every aspect of life.”  Think again my friend.  Jesus has set the bar higher then we can imagine.  Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus says “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’  But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  Wow, Jesus says that looking lustfully is the same as committing adultery.  Lets not be foolish and think that God does not care about our purity.

Men, Christian and non-Christian, are missing the mark big time.  I work in healthcare, and I hear a lot of interesting conversations.  Most men older than myself, will try to give me advice on marriage and kids.  When they hear I am single, they say “Your lucky, don’t get married!”, or when I ask them how long they have been married they reply “Too long!”  I’ve heard things in past jobs from men about women that I will not write on here.  Funny that this has become the norm in our culture.  I find it funny how men are becoming defined in this world.  Some requirements seem to be: Sleep with many women, have a great body, curse and be funny, bash marriage, get in fights, say all the cool things, be rich, have a nice car, wear the right clothes, listen to the right music, don’t hang out with people who aren’t cool.  There is a crazy amount of pressure this day and age when it comes to being a “man”.  Being a man starts with God.  Our greatest example is in Jesus.

I am not saying for men to be passive.  Quite the opposite.  Fight for it! (Not throw fists)  It’s worth fighting for.  It’s worth the sacrifice.  Worth giving up your selfish desires.  Worth what might disrupt your daily routine.  What a beautiful example we can show by loving what the world finds unlovable.  What a world it would be if we saw men not rely on their parents for money and a home.  If more men taught younger kids and mentored them.  If more men showed respect to the godly women and ungodly women.  If more men sacrificed their time to serve relentlessly.  If more men studied scripture instead of looking at porn.  If more men would admit when they were wrong.  If more men prayed for those in need.  If more men would ask for forgiveness.  If more men would control their anger and practice patience.  What a world….

We all have a lot of work to do.  There are deep scars from sin that are hard to overcome.  But God is with us, and it can be done with Him.  It’s worth fighting for.