Coffee, Theology and Jesus

working out our messy faith over coffee

Tag: Dating

CTJ #12: The Christian Dating Discussion: Part 2

For the first time, CTJ has ladies on the podcast!  Tim and Rob are joined by Sarah and Julia (their fiancee and wife, respectively).  This episode we continue the discussion from the last episode and dig into dating with a purpose, marriage and unrealistic expectations.

Join us this week, and as always:

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CTJ #11: The Christian Dating Discussion: Part 1

Tim, Jordan, and Rob begin a series of podcasts on Christian Dating, Relationships, and Singleness.  This week, they address the concerns they have about the Christian Dating Scene that is prominent right now.  Are Christians going into dating with the right motives and with the proper maturity?  What is the purpose of dating?  How should parents and the local church community be better preparing the youth for dating properly and effectively?  Do guys properly pursue relationships and are girls straight forward enough?  So many topics to cover!

The guys share their thoughts but please share your own thoughts on the podcast!

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Bursting the Christian Marriage Bubble

So as amazed as we all are that Tim has pulled the wool over some girls eyes long enough to maintain some sort of steady relationship…. I got a girl to say “I do.” Perhaps many of you do not know me but that’s ok, you can agree along with the rest of us that God can do anything. Now saying that, I appreciated Tim’s last blog about bursting the ideals and assumptions we have going into a relationship. I wanted to expand on it a bit and talk about marriage. Now, I got married on Sept 1, 2012 so I am certainly no expert on the subject and wouldn’t pretend to be. Hopefully some of these things you will be able to identify with and will help you in the future. If you have any more please share them as marriage doesn’t get any easier as you go.

Many of Tim’s list of 5 applies to marriage as well so I won’t try to repeat anything he has already stated so well. But here is another list (of 6) that I have learned.

1. Sex isn’t as great as you might think
You may be lifting an eyebrow (especially those who are married and enjoying a healthy sex life) and my pre-marriage self is wondering “what on earth can you mean?” However, I will stick to this one. Don’t get me wrong, sex is amazing and wonderful (in the confines of marriage) but it is not what will hold your marriage together. Your marriage will determine the enjoyment of the benefits. I can go back a few short years when I couldn’t wait for my honeymoon. I couldn’t wait to be married so I could do “marriage things.” That is what is pounded into our minds right? “The Bible says that sex is for marriage and marriage only!” While I agree with the statement the constant reminder of the marriage rights started to warp my mind on what it is actually for. I started to want the marriage more for the benefits it came with. Is that any reason to get married? I’ll answer for you. Definitely not! One theory I have for the reason that the divorce rate is higher among Christians is because of sex. Kids are getting married to enjoy the benefits of marriage and not because they are ready to submit themselves to one another and serve God together. Let me tell you, if sex is your goal in marriage, you will be highly disappointed. Some nights you may just not be in the mood. Does that mean your marriage is failing and something is wrong? No, but if that is your main focus… things may start to crumble when this begins to happen.
Sex in its correct context, the physical, emotional, and spiritual bonding of two people is beautiful and brings two people who already are in love even closer. The bonds created in sex are inexplicable and why it is meant for marriage. It is so much more than just a physical act. But, it is not a reason for marriage. I won’t take the time to go deeper into this one but I think you get the idea. Have a correct perspective of sex in marriage. Focus on the relationship not the benefits of it and the benefits will be even better.

2. You are Selfish –
When people ask me what is the top thing I’ve learned about marriage since the wedding day I always say the same thing. I’ve learned exactly how selfish I am. This is one of those things that you just can’t prepare for. Dating begins this process but when the wedding vows are done and over you realize how much you missed. When I was single I ate what I wanted for dinner, I went where I wanted to go, and spent money where I wanted to spend it. This all changed once I got a ring on my finger and I’m now with this other person every day and every night. A quick example. The other night Julia was working late and mentioned she wanted a salad for dinner. So as I get home from work and I’m just doing a few things around the house I finally decide to order Chinese food. The Chinese food arrives and not 10 mins later Julia walks in the door with this look on her face “YESSSSSS!!!!! CHINESE FOOD” and I right them realized that I probably should have asked her if she wanted anything. Oops. It’s simple and was mostly harmless but it showed that I’m still working on constantly being aware that it’s not just “every man for himself” any more. I’ve got a wife that I have to consider into everything (if I want to have a solid Christian marriage that is). Should I really buy that new ______ (fill in the blank) without consulting her or should I really be hanging out with this group of people right now? Every decision should get input from all parties involved.

3. Your actions affect another
This is one I’m constantly struggling with and learning to deal with. One of the most terrifying moments just before the wedding day was when it was impressed on my mind the responsibility I was taking on. I had learned in the months leading up to us starting to date that I had a lot of things God wanted to see changed in me. He is still changing and working with me. But now, its not just me that my actions and decisions affect but my wife as well. I am held accountable to how our marriage is reflecting upon God. I am held accountable (to an extent) for the spiritual wellbeing of my family. Being “the head of the household” doesn’t mean I make all the decisions. It means that I have the God given responsibility. It means I am taking initiative to lead our family in a path of spiritual growth and development and we can foster that type of activity. It is definitely a team effort but I have that responsibility. The thought of that terrified me until I also realized that God didn’t wan to see me fail and would be with me every step of the way, in success and failure. But it is not just leading. It is every aspect of life.
How I talk to certain people affects not just me but Julia. Where I go does not just affect me but Julia too. Where I work, what we do with our money our time, etc. Everything is affecting both of us. It is an enormous responsibility that should not be taken lightly.

4. Time will not slow down
While Julia and I were engaged we were under this delusion that we would have so much more time when we are finally married. We won’t have to spend so much time in the car driving to one another. We won’t have to say goodbye and goodnight every day. We will just be able to get so much more done. Trust me when I say… life sped up after marriage. It was like someone kicked us into the next gear and time started to go faster than before. The days and weeks fly by and before you know it a year is over. Time will not slow down. My advice to you? Start good habits early in life. Are you single? Start spending time with God as much as you can. You will never have time alone like you have right now. Are you dating/engaged? Spend time with God alone… and together! You won’t believe how crammed full your life will get as the years pass on. The world, the flesh, and the devil will try to squeeze every last second out of you and keep you from that precious time with God. But, if you developed those habits earlier (say when you were single) it will be easier to maintain. Then when you get married you are used to spending time in the scriptures and praying together. Let me tell you… that doesn’t happen overnight. It is a “chore” and has to constantly be readdressed. You will never be able to spend enough time together with The Lord. Get in the routine as early as possible. But always remember it is never too late to start :)
As life goes on it will only get busier… kids, activities, school, work, etc. Everything will pile on. Don’t let life separate you from the one who gave it to you.

5. Be content with where God has you now
I will word this one carefully and lovingly because I know we are struggling with this right now. As humans we always want to see what is coming next and get going to the next stage. While growing up we couldn’t wait to be a teenager. Then we couldn’t wait to go off to college. Then we couldn’t wait to start our career. Then we couldn’t wait to get married. On and on the list goes (in whatever order). But I can speak for myself that I was always ready for the next step. ESPECIALLY when EVERYONE around me was crossing into that next step. I felt left out. I knew God gave me the desires of my heart for a reason but I didn’t want them if they couldn’t be satisfied. God’s timing however was perfect and was worth waiting for. If I would have settled for something earlier I would not be as blessed as I am now. God gave to me the perfect girl for me at the perfect time. But I want the next step! This is a constant struggle to be content with where we are now and with what God is doing with us now. God is never not working with us. God is never just asking us to sit and do nothing. Even “waiting” implies preparing. Please refer to this post on waiting for more of an explanation. God knows what He is doing and we have to learn to submit our wills, our plans, our desires, and everything to Him. He made you with your desires. Even if they don’t make sense right now, or they frustrate you, or they make you lay awake at night in tears. God gave them to you. He made you and He didn’t make a mistake. Trust that He will satisfy the desires of your heart in His time and His own way. Easier said than done, especially in a “now” society. Whatever you want you should go get. That isn’t how God works. Rely on Him and be content with where you are now and what you’re doing for Him now. The next step will come at the best time.

6. Remember to date your spouse
One last thing. Dating your spouse. I guess this could be thrown up into number 4 with time constraints but that isn’t the only thing here. Dating your spouse is about learning about them, spending time them, and generally showing interest in them. Flirting in marriage is the best thing you can do. Let your spouse know that just because you both are wearing rings doesn’t mean you don’t still like to flirt with each other and have fun. Marriage is stressful, hard work, and sometimes you just want to throw in the towel. So pick a night and show your spouse that they still have your attention and you are still attracted to them. I will never stop learning about Julia. There will never come a time where I will be a “Julia expert.” This is a life long commitment and dating your spouse is a great way to keep everything going.

As I stated at the beginning, a lot of what Tim said about dating applies to marriage as well. Friendship or perceived romance or lack of butterflies. Let me tell you in marriage there are days that there are no butterflies in my stomach because they’ve been eaten by vipers haha. But love is a choice and every day I must chose to love my wife. I chose to put her before me and do anything I can to make sure I am being a benefit to her. That is not easy and things get rough. A strong marriage grounded on the right things will always prevail as marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and His Church. God would never bring two people together and want them to fail. God is for marriage. Hopefully these few basic points help you in some way.

Rob

Wedding

Popping the Christian Dating Bubble.

Well the unthinkable in my life happened; I started dating someone.  Yes pick yourself up off that chair, brush your dusty knees off, no you’re not dreaming.  It’s true.

 

 

About two months ago I started seeing a wonderful person.  It was kind of sudden, very unexpected but truth be told it’s been a great journey thus far.   Yes, I’m well aware it’s only been two months, but already I have learned a great deal about myself and mindsets I had that I didn’t even know I had.  This post really is for you single people out there.  Especially the Christian ones because I have news for you…you probably have mindsets and disney fairy tale views that you don’t even know you have.  Trust me when I tell you the past few months have been a complete rewiring of everything I thought I knew about romance, ‘healthy’ relationships, and expectations.

Here are a few things i learned.

 

1. You’re dating a human, not a fantasy – “oh Tim” you say, “of course I know that”.  Only you really don’t until you start dating someone and realize that this person can’t read your mind.  That this person doesn’t fit into you’re nice, neat view of that special someone.  Do you know why? Because they are a human being with their own thoughts, desires, habits, attitudes, preferences, and views.  You’re dating another human being, not the person you made up in your head.  Seriously, stop wondering what it’s going to be like because you’ll be pretty much wrong.  I mean you can day dream about being with someone all you want, just understand that you’re mostly wrong about the actual person you’ll be dating because the person you’re thinking of isn’t a person..it’s a daydream.

 

2. No matter how much I knew that hollywood gives a false view of romance I still bought it – I mean can you blame me? We are bombarded with it everywhere.  Yes Yes I know that we Christians think we see through it…..but we don’t. Instead we combine Jesus with Disney and the result is crap like this. We are saturated with culture’s view of love and romance and no matter how much we tell ourselves we don’t buyit but secretly we do. Yes of course I knew that no woman will be my answer in life but it wasn’t until i actually experienced it that I understood it.   You might think that you see through hollywood’s smoke but you’ve still inhaled it.

3. He/She Won’t be your ultimate fulfillment – Understanding that this girl will never fully answer all my questions, never calm every nerve, and never be perfect is at first terrifying and then completely relieving because you realize that you’re not her end all be all either.  My relationship with Jesus is my center, but she is with me on this journey, not my journey.  Of course I couldn’t be more thrilled to be pursuing this person and yes, it’s great to be with her and I love to spend time with her.  But I don’t have to see her every single second of every single day. This person isn’t my answer.  Jesus is and because of that we have healthy space in our relationship.

4. No butterflies does not equal I’m falling out of love – I imagine anyone in a serious relationship or marriage is laughing at me right now.  Truth be told it sounds ridiculous.  But one day when I woke up and didn’t have raging feelings for the person I’m dating I thought to myself “well this must be it, for some reason I don’t like her anymore” which of course is complete poop.  Once again I bought the lie that feelings = relationship. This another great mirage of our culture and especially our media.  From movies alone we are left to assume that to like someone, or to love someone means to have strong, constant, crazy feelings for them 24/7/365.  What a shock it was to me when that didn’t happen. Once again I knew it wasn’t true, but I didn’t understand until I experienced it.

5. Friendship is just as important as the romantic – Another mind blowing revelation that I’ve learned in these past few months.  My friendship with this girl is just as important as the romance.  I’ve had fun just being with her not having to hold her hand every second of every day.  We’ve had moments where we’ve laughed so hard we both started crying, these moments that our often overlooked in our culture’s view of dating have often been the most intimate and important in our relationship.  Sure I take her out , we go on dates, but most of that time is spent as great friends enjoying the company of each other and usually ends up with us laughing till our heads explode…or binging on a few Office episodes.

Look, I don’t claim to be some relationship guru because I’m two months into a relationship after 5 years of being single. That isn’t the point of this post.  The point of this post to wake Christian singles up.  Dating Sarah is so much better than dating the person I made up in my head because Sarah is a real human being made in the image of God and the person I made up was made in the image of me.

 

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-TW

 

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